


Anchored on the Edge of a Knife

by autumnesquirrel



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Blood, Cutting, Gen, Knives, No Sex, Triggers, not the fun sort of Mature, self injury, thought experiment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-09
Updated: 2012-10-09
Packaged: 2017-11-16 00:04:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/533256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/autumnesquirrel/pseuds/autumnesquirrel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All the self injury trigger warnings ever.</p>
<p>I wanted to think about how being a werewolf would play with that.</p>
<p>The ending is very open, and the protagonist is unnamed but male.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Anchored on the Edge of a Knife

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings again some more.
> 
> This is written from experience, but the experience isn't exclusive truth. Self injury does different things for different people. Please don't let this invalidate your own experience if it doesn't match up.

At first the healing factor seemed like the best part of being a werewolf. Not having to hide the cuts any more. Not needing to be so careful, so secretive. Getting to take his time. Getting to fall all the way into each cut, each flair of pain. Even the flesh knitting back together seemed to enhance things. Minute after minute of concentration on this one thing, on being alive, on being in control over what hurt this time.

After a while, though, it wasn’t quite enough. He’d never realized how much he valued the scars. How much they contributed to how alive he felt. How much they anchored him to reality, to himself. No matter how deep he cut they were gone by morning, like time erasing his claim on himself. He belonged to Derek now, to the pack. He bleed for the pack. He hurt for the pack. Nothing was his own. Nothing was for just himself.

Belonging was good, but sometimes he felt like he was drowning. His wolf had an anchor, but what about himself? What was the boy anchored to if not his own blood and pain? What did he have left to cling to when even that was gone?

In retrospect the silver knife might have been a mistake. He was so used to cutting deep to buy himself precious minutes of relief, of escape, that he forgot to be careful. He forgot to take his time. He forgot not to cut so deep. The pain was blinding, the gush of blood slightly worrying, and then the sweet familiar cotton wool of dissociation came down over everything and he let it tug him to the floor. For a long time all he had to focus on was the throbbing ache of his arm, and the slowly growing trickle of blood.

“Are you **trying** to **kill** yourself?” dragged him back to himself. Back to the throb of pain, and the cold floor under him. Shame and horror rose up choking him. Tears flooded his eyes. He tried to make himself as small as possible. To shove himself as far into the corner as he could go.

“Derek,” Stiles said, “back off for a sec. Let’s get him patched up first. Shouting later. He’s hurt.” He heard Stiles pick up the knife and wrap it in something. “Get rid of this. Then wait for us on the couch, okay?” Derek huffed, but his footsteps moved away, out into the station. Stiles shut the bathroom door. “Hey,” he said, “let’s get you patched up.”

**Author's Note:**

> I left the end open because I don't know what the solution is. I wish I did.
> 
> I left the protagonist ambiguous because I can see most of the characters in this show having this as a possible (not so great) coping mechanism. I started writing with Issac in mind, and so the protagonist is male, but escape is tempting and every character here has something they'd rather get away from, rather not have to deal with or think about. There wasn't any reason the story had to be about one specific character, so it isn't.
> 
> I'd love for someone else to run with this thought process. I probably shouldn't be thinking about cutting at all, but I'm fascinated by the idea that being a werewolf would change things. But how? The cuts heal. What does that mean?


End file.
